Ready for a New Year!

It's been a few months since I have blogged. I have become a hermit in a lot of ways this year. 2011 has been the year from hell! I'm glad it's over, and hopeful that 2012 will be better...which it will because I can't imagine it getting ANY worse.

My job sucks. I don't bring home enough to cover my daycare expenses. I really enjoy the adults that I work with, but the special education system in the public schools is a joke. I have become part of the machine that promotes kids who cannot read or do simply addition and subtraction. And perhaps worst of all, I see teachers every day that I could teach circles around, one in particular who I have never seen leave her desk, and I am bringing home less that 2 bucks an hour after insurance and taxes are taken out. I need a real teaching job, and I need it fast!

My marriage is in shambles. Greg and I celebrated out 8 year anniversary in December by continuing to barely speak to each other. If money wasn't an issue we would already be divorced, and I would be living elsewhere. There is no salacious story, no boyfriends or girlfriends on the side. Just me, ready for a fresh start...me ready to start over and make the decisions I should have made the first go around.

Jack is autistic. I found out in August and have been working hard to make sure most people didn't know. Then I would be consumed by guilt, like I was ashamed of my son. My beautiful boy, my Jack who I have always known was "different" but was still crushed when the diagnosis finally came. Even thought I knew something was wrong, I feel as though I have been mourning a death these past 4 months. I have been mourning the "normal" kid that Jack will probably never be. He is very high functioning, and could probably skate by in school without them ever even knowing about his diagnosis. But I wonder, would that be fair to him? Would that be the best thing for him?

So I am in unchartered territory. I am having to navigate through things I never would have guessed would be of any concern to me.

To my friends that I have ignored, I am sorry. To my family that I have disappointed, I will try not to let you down anymore. And to my mom that I think about and miss every day...would it kill you to send me some signs or clues or something???? Wish me luck everybody. Hopefully

How we Spent our Summer Vacation.

As is customary at schools across the nation, I feel as though it is only fitting now that the first day of school has come and gone to write my yearly essay, "HOW WE SPENT OUT SUMMER VACATION."

In a word- swimming. I would say on average we swam about 5 days a week. Usually for 1-2.5 hours. We would go to Aunt Clare's pool sometime, but we could usually be found at Jimmy Floyd Center. Mary now goes of the high dive solo...and Jack usually climbs up on the diving board, before changing his mind. He hasn't actually jumped off the board yet. Swimming was fun for the first 6 weeks or so, but now I am sick of it! My powder white kids are all rocking a little tan. Compared only to their starting point, most kids are naturally more tan than they are right now.

Here is a quick run down of each kids summer.

Mary- Already mentioned the high dive. She was in another play "Free to be You and Me." I thought the play was a bit of a stinker. But she worked with some great people and had so much fun. It was her first musical and she loved the singing and dancing. She also met some really great people.

Mary loved the month that her cousin Caleb came to stay with us. It was the best they have ever gotten along. And Mary says, "Caleb was here so long, sometimes I still feel like he is here with me!"

Mary started school today. She liked it. That's about all I can say because she did not really want to talk much about it. She is bummed that Gracie and Lily are not in her class, but she has 3 kids that were in her Kindergarten class last year, and she likes them all. She is riding the bus which is a blessing and a curse. I love not having to get in the carpool line, but I don;t love that she rides the bus with junior high kids.

Jack- Oh Jackie! Jack has made some tremendous strides with his speech over the summer. And now there are seldom times where I can;t understand what he is saying. He got into the district Pre-K program, and will start next week. Mary has always been so independent, so it has never really been hard to drop her off at MDO or school, but Jack is a different story. Jack has always been so dependent that he attempted a MDO out one year, but didn't last through the semester. He is excited about going, which is great. But I think it will be harder to drop him off. He said in the car, "I can't wait to meet my new friends, and neither can my backpack. He wants to be friends with an orange backpack." Here's to hoping that a classmate has an orange backpack!

Jack also played baseball this summer. He was on the Phillies with Mary. This too can be summed up with one word- disaster! Jack was too young to play, and it showed. He spent most of the time on the field playing in the dirt, and it wasn't until the end of the year that he started running when he hit the ball. The best part was when Caleb was in town, we put him in charge of Jack. He spent an entire inning chasing Jack around the outfield. Finally- Jack was not a nuisance to himself or other!

Grace- Grace was my little sidekick all summer. Too young to play baseball or be in plays, she is always by my side cheering Jack and Mary on. She has developed quite the attitude, and her habit of crossing her arms and grunting "humpf" is now affectionately termed the Gracie. Her hair finally fits in pig tails, and she loves brushing it as well as mine and Mary's hair. She wants a Tangled themed birthday (in October). Grace starts a MDO program in a few weeks.

All in all a fun, uneventful summer!

Why I am off Facebook (for now)

So I realized last week stopped at a red light that I had a problem. Or perhaps it was in the drive in at Mc Donalds picking up my third Diet Dr Pepper of the day- I am addicted to facebook. At first I tried to justify it to myself. "Who cares??? I don't drink, do drugs, view porn, etc....so so what if I spend too much time catching up on people's lives that I usually have no contact with." It just got to be a little silly. Many people would have been able to just cut back. I however, am not one of those people. MaryAlice deactivated the account. And while I have been doing some facebook stalking with some of my fictious accounts, its not much fun with NO friends, so its been pretty easy to stay off. I will undoubtable be back and when I return I hope my 300+ "friends" will keep the following things in mind....

1. No one wants to hear that you are cleaning the bathroom, making dinner, etc. It's not out of the ordinary, inspirational or funny, so please keep it to yourself!
2. I dont want to hear how much you love your husband, kids, siblings, etc. NO SHIT! They are YOUR kids and YOUR husband- so again unless the aforementioned kids, hubby, sibling, boyfriend, etc did something spectacular keep it to yourself please (maybe get a diary).
3. Don't get political. It makes me really want to unfriend you - even when I agree with you!

And perhaps my biggest pet-peeve on facebook. For all of you are trying so hard to be grammatically correct....when you post a picture of you and someone else, the correct caption would be "Me and xyz" NOT "XYZ AND I". Basic grammar people....learn it!

Thank you and I will see you all soon!

Gracie Girl

Gracie I feel is my least talked about child. So I thought I would write about some of the things I love most about my "princess baby."

First of all, I love her name. Mary was going to be a Grace and then I swtiched it up after my mom died and I wanted to name Mary after my mom. But Grace has been my favorite girls name for years. This might explain why Gracie has so many monogrammed outfits!

I love that Gracie was a girl. It sounds a little weird but I had Gracie when I was 30, and she was my 3rd child. My mom had me when she was 30 and I was her third child. I hope Grace and I can have the same special relationship I had with my mom.

I love that Gracie always wakes up happy. When you walk into her room a huge grin comes across her face and she either greets me with "Helloooo Mom" or "Mommy" and I love it. I also love the fact that sometimes she would rather stay in her crib if someone else tries to get her out of bed!

Gracie's favorite saying is "I love you too mom" and I think its hilarious. Its almost like she doesn't even need to hear "I love you Grace" becauase she already knows you are thinking it. Grace has told me she loves me more times than Mary and Jack combined.

I love that she crosses her arms and startstalking in a really low, deep voice when she is mad. Have the time I want to flick her in teh mouth...but I usually just end up turning my head and laughing.

Grace is an absolute joy. She has been by far my easiest kid. So easy that sometimes Greg will say, "doesn't Grace just make you want to have another kid?" She isn't quite that good- but I know what he means!

Tomorrow, Tomorrow.....I'll still be pissed tomorrow..."

I have recently expereinced one of my hardest episodes as a parent. A local theatre group had an audition for the play "Annie". I asked Mary if she wanted to try out. After watching the movie, she decided to give it a whirl. She had to prepare 16 bars of a Broadway song for her audition. So after getting in contact with my friend Melissa, I got her ready for the audition.

Mary has many talents. She is bright, funny, and has a wicked good memory. She is able to project well, she is sociable and generally well liked. She likes to dance and sing. Notice I said she likes to sing and dance, not that she does either well. But my friend Melissa convinced me she was not as bad as I though she was...so we were off to the audition.

Mary chose a song from "The Lion King." It was an odd choice in my opinion, but I let her pick whatever she wanted. At the audition we could watch from a back window. She was funny, and loud. We found out before she left that she had been choosen to come to the call backs the following week. She had to familiarize herself with the song "Hard Knock Life."

At this point I was very proud of Mary, but I still was not expecting her to get a part. At the call-back there were 38 girls. They learned a short dance to go with the song, and then they sang it small groups as their audition. Parents were all able to watch.

Mary was amazing. And I say this knowing that parents usually see their children in remarkably positive light. And while I know I may not be totally objective, I have readily admitted that Mary does NOT have a remarkable voice, last year I was first to point out that she was the worst player on her tball team. So I think I am more objective than most. I can say, without a doubt that Mary was by far the best girl there in her age group. She sang with emotion, learned the dance quickly and was utterly amazing. I left almost certain that she had secured a part.

Fast forward a few weeks-and you probably can already see where this story is going. mary did not get a part. One of the girls that beat her will be in the play alongside her mother that will play Grace. The other girl that beat her has already been in at least one play put on by this particular group. I considered telling Mary that the play had been cancelled, but remember I did already compliment her on her intelligence, there was no way she would believe that. I told her. She got teary-eyed. I told her if she wanted me to, I would find something else she could try out for. I felt terrible! I asked her what she wanted to do for the rest of the day and the first thing she wanted to do was play orphanage.

I was upset she didn't get the part. She would have loved it and she would have been great. But I'm more upset that she has to experience at age six that doing your best is not always good enough, and that sometimes who you know is everything. Mary is over it now, but I still am not. I have imagined writing to the director a million times and ask him how he defends his decision. But I have been around long enough to know it won't do anyone any good. And every now and then I think I am over it- and then Mary will break into another rendition of "The sun will come out tomorrow," and my heart breaks all over again.

Funny Stuff

ME: Jack sit here and watch Dora with Gracie, I'm gonna take a quick shower.
Jack: Why?
ME: Cause mommy stinks.
Jack: Did you poop in your pants mom????

P.S. Jack is finally potty trained!

Kids Day and Picture Day

I have been trying to go in and help in Mary's class once a week. Last week when I went in, her teacher was telling me about a tradition in her house called "KIDS DAY." Its similar to Mother's Day and Father's Day, but obviously its for the kdis. Now for "Kids Day" at her teachers house they announced that they were leaving that day for DisneyWorld. We started smaller than that. I told them about it, and let Mary plan the day.

Here is how it went.
1. Donuts for breakfast.
2. Get ready for Kids Museum.
3. Mary asks, "Since its kids day, can you please pretend to be Aunt Liz today?" I tell you no good deed goes unpunished!
4. Mary faces disappointment as I tell her I will be playing the part of myself ALL day!
5. Kid's Museum.
6. Drinks at McDonalds, Mary picks a redbox movie (Marmaduke).
7. Watch movie.
8. Kid's Night at Chic-Fila.
9. Movie night in bed.

All in all a pretty good day. We may do it again soon.

Then yesterday I took them to get pictures. The main goal was to get Gracie's 2nd bday pictures. But I have been around the block a few times at portrait innovations, so I got them all dressed. I was not going to be leaving without pictures of someone. It was the best picture taking outing in years! No hot flashes...and no moments of brakdown on my part!

We leave for Chicago on Friday!