It's been a few months since I have blogged. I have become a hermit in a lot of ways this year. 2011 has been the year from hell! I'm glad it's over, and hopeful that 2012 will be better...which it will because I can't imagine it getting ANY worse.
My job sucks. I don't bring home enough to cover my daycare expenses. I really enjoy the adults that I work with, but the special education system in the public schools is a joke. I have become part of the machine that promotes kids who cannot read or do simply addition and subtraction. And perhaps worst of all, I see teachers every day that I could teach circles around, one in particular who I have never seen leave her desk, and I am bringing home less that 2 bucks an hour after insurance and taxes are taken out. I need a real teaching job, and I need it fast!
My marriage is in shambles. Greg and I celebrated out 8 year anniversary in December by continuing to barely speak to each other. If money wasn't an issue we would already be divorced, and I would be living elsewhere. There is no salacious story, no boyfriends or girlfriends on the side. Just me, ready for a fresh start...me ready to start over and make the decisions I should have made the first go around.
Jack is autistic. I found out in August and have been working hard to make sure most people didn't know. Then I would be consumed by guilt, like I was ashamed of my son. My beautiful boy, my Jack who I have always known was "different" but was still crushed when the diagnosis finally came. Even thought I knew something was wrong, I feel as though I have been mourning a death these past 4 months. I have been mourning the "normal" kid that Jack will probably never be. He is very high functioning, and could probably skate by in school without them ever even knowing about his diagnosis. But I wonder, would that be fair to him? Would that be the best thing for him?
So I am in unchartered territory. I am having to navigate through things I never would have guessed would be of any concern to me.
To my friends that I have ignored, I am sorry. To my family that I have disappointed, I will try not to let you down anymore. And to my mom that I think about and miss every day...would it kill you to send me some signs or clues or something???? Wish me luck everybody. Hopefully
